I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
