This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We talked him into tasing himself.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize