Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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