How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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