Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
