I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize