your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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