I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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