Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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