Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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