apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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