my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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