Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
