Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dignity is for republicans.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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