My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
