I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize