awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
