im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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