After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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