I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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