apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
