Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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