WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
