This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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