just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
