I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
