had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
false alarm, still single
Randomize
