i already hear my dad disowning me
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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