Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
