So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
