i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i think my cat just said my name.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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