those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
