i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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