I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
