Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
