OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Holy sore nipples Batman
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
