The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
