The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
