Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
