There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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