every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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