The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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