he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
