Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
