Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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