wrigley field is MILF paradise
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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