never play flip cup with pint glasses
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
