why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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