I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
