I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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