why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
