i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
