Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
