If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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