While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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