I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
