I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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