apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
