It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
